(Everyone turns.)
Gillian: Who are you?
Zoe: Do you have brains?
(Ad-libbed responses: βFair enough,β βGood idea,β βSafer that way,β etc.)
William: DeβAth? Donβt you mean Death?
Gillian: Murder? Hang on, why arenβt you scared of us? Boo!
Bella: Slightly? Weβre dead, and youβre having a chat like itβs tea time!
Winnie: Zoe likes open minds tooβdifferent reason though.
Malcolm: Of course I am!
Bella: (Fake sobbing.) Oh, Victor! My darling! Who could do this to you?
Winnie: Ernest.
Gillian: (Hands DeβAth the card.)
Bella: Donβt forget Patti.
Zoe: Patti the Poltergeist.
Malcolm: Well, technically, we all did.
William: Wait. You said murder? You canβt mean this is murder!
Bella: Oh, must this take long? If Victorβor Ernest or whateverβstays dead, Iβll need a new potential husband. Theyβre all dressed so splendidlyβ¦ clearly wealthy enough to keep me in the manner I deserve.
Zoe: Basingstoke?
Gillian: True. I became a ghost immediately after dying. Didnβt even have time to dry off.
Winnie: Unless the CCTV shows nothing, itβs unclear who did it.
(A beat.)
Zoe: Oh, shameβI wanted to watch this on YouBoo.
Malcolm: Zoe, you donβt need to watchβyouβre here.
Winnie: Just a minute, Inspector. If one of us is nicked, how do you punish a ghost?
Gillian: Why me?
Winnie: Because youβre easiest to imagine not being there.
Zoe: What? No! I done nothing.
Bella: Thatβs just how she talks, Inspector. She donβt know no different.
DeβAth: So one or more of you is responsible for the deaths of Professor Ernest Jones and Patti the Poltergeist. I intend to find out who!
Zoe: And then what?
DeβAth: Then the guilty will face consequences.
Malcolm: Consequences! Missed that one.
Zoe: (To Gillian) What did he say?
Gillian: Youβll be nicked.
Zoe: But I didnβt do nothing!
(All groan.)
Gillian: Life? Are you sure?
Zoe: Weβre already deadβ¦ haha.
Malcolm: A week in Basingstoke?
Gillian: (To audience.) We have a murder to solve. So, ladies and gentlemen, let us see if we can, between us, solve these crimes, as we open up the floor to questions from the audience.
(Audience questions β see production notes.)
Scene 2 β The Reveal
Winnie: Her real name was Sharon.
Zoe: Sharon?
Winnie: Yes, she told me while I was doing her hair before we came out tonight.
William: She didnβt have any ingredients for potions.
Bella: Oh, well surmised, Inspector! Bravo!
Malcolm: (To Gillian) So we can go?
Zoe: What? Me? No! I liked Patti. She was my friend.
Malcolm: That doesnβt sound like Zoe. She only pulls hair off if sheβs going to eat theirβ¦ B-R-A-I-N-S.
William: Real wine!
Winnie: What? Me? No, donβt be silly. Why would I want to kill Victor? And why would I want to kill Patti? I helped her get ready for tonight, for goodnessβ sake. I helped her with her hair!
William: So thatβs why you wanted me to spend time with Patti! You wanted her sneezes to use in your spells! She and Gillian are the only ones who are officially spooks!
Winnie: Yes, yes, OK. I stabbed him, but I didnβt know then he wasnβt a vampire. He accused me of shoddy spells.
Zoe: Is that near Cognito?
Bella: Yes Zoe, yes, it is. Just down the road.
Gillian: Look, Inspector β Victor, or Ernest, whoever he was, must have known the risks when he came to live with us. Anyone could have found out at any time he wasnβt a vampire. It wouldnβt have taken a genius.
William: Keeping up standards, Winnie, good girl.
Malcolm: Zoe, Iβm sorry to say, the house belonged to Victor, I think weβre all going to have to move toβ¦ (braces himself) Basingstoke!
(All except DeβAth.) Nooooooo!
(Curtain.)