(Everyone turns.)
Gillian: Who are you?
Zoe: Do you have brains?
(Ad-libbed responses: โFair enough,โ โGood idea,โ โSafer that way,โ etc.)
William: DeโAth? Donโt you mean Death?
Gillian: Murder? Hang on, why arenโt you scared of us? Boo!
Bella: Slightly? Weโre dead, and youโre having a chat like itโs tea time!
Winnie: Zoe likes open minds tooโdifferent reason though.
Malcolm: Of course I am!
Bella: (Fake sobbing.) Oh, Victor! My darling! Who could do this to you?
Winnie: Ernest.
Gillian: (Hands DeโAth the card.)
Bella: Donโt forget Patti.
Zoe: Patti the Poltergeist.
Malcolm: Well, technically, we all did.
William: Wait. You said murder? You canโt mean this is murder!
Bella: Oh, must this take long? If Victorโor Ernest or whateverโstays dead, Iโll need a new potential husband. Theyโre all dressed so splendidlyโฆ clearly wealthy enough to keep me in the manner I deserve.
Zoe: Basingstoke?
Gillian: True. I became a ghost immediately after dying. Didnโt even have time to dry off.
Winnie: Unless the CCTV shows nothing, itโs unclear who did it.
(A beat.)
Zoe: Oh, shameโI wanted to watch this on YouBoo.
Malcolm: Zoe, you donโt need to watchโyouโre here.
Winnie: Just a minute, Inspector. If one of us is nicked, how do you punish a ghost?
Gillian: Why me?
Winnie: Because youโre easiest to imagine not being there.
Zoe: What? No! I done nothing.
Bella: Thatโs just how she talks, Inspector. She donโt know no different.
DeโAth: So one or more of you is responsible for the deaths of Professor Ernest Jones and Patti the Poltergeist. I intend to find out who!
Zoe: And then what?
DeโAth: Then the guilty will face consequences.
Malcolm: Consequences! Missed that one.
Zoe: (To Gillian) What did he say?
Gillian: Youโll be nicked.
Zoe: But I didnโt do nothing!
(All groan.)
Gillian: Life? Are you sure?
Zoe: Weโre already deadโฆ haha.
Malcolm: A week in Basingstoke?
Gillian: (To audience.) We have a murder to solve. So, ladies and gentlemen, let us see if we can, between us, solve these crimes, as we open up the floor to questions from the audience.
(Audience questions โ see production notes.)
Scene 2 โ The Reveal
Winnie: Her real name was Sharon.
Zoe: Sharon?
Winnie: Yes, she told me while I was doing her hair before we came out tonight.
William: She didnโt have any ingredients for potions.
Bella: Oh, well surmised, Inspector! Bravo!
Malcolm: (To Gillian) So we can go?
Zoe: What? Me? No! I liked Patti. She was my friend.
Malcolm: That doesnโt sound like Zoe. She only pulls hair off if sheโs going to eat theirโฆ B-R-A-I-N-S.
William: Real wine!
Winnie: What? Me? No, donโt be silly. Why would I want to kill Victor? And why would I want to kill Patti? I helped her get ready for tonight, for goodnessโ sake. I helped her with her hair!
William: So thatโs why you wanted me to spend time with Patti! You wanted her sneezes to use in your spells! She and Gillian are the only ones who are officially spooks!
Winnie: Yes, yes, OK. I stabbed him, but I didnโt know then he wasnโt a vampire. He accused me of shoddy spells.
Zoe: Is that near Cognito?
Bella: Yes Zoe, yes, it is. Just down the road.
Gillian: Look, Inspector โ Victor, or Ernest, whoever he was, must have known the risks when he came to live with us. Anyone could have found out at any time he wasnโt a vampire. It wouldnโt have taken a genius.
William: Keeping up standards, Winnie, good girl.
Malcolm: Zoe, Iโm sorry to say, the house belonged to Victor, I think weโre all going to have to move toโฆ (braces himself) Basingstoke!
(All except DeโAth.) Nooooooo!
(Curtain.)