(Everyone turns.)

Gillian: Who are you?

Zoe: Do you have brains?

(Ad-libbed responses: “Fair enough,” “Good idea,” “Safer that way,” etc.)

William: De’Ath? Don’t you mean Death?

Gillian: Murder? Hang on, why aren’t you scared of us? Boo!

Bella: Slightly? We’re dead, and you’re having a chat like it’s tea time!

Winnie: Zoe likes open minds too—different reason though.

Malcolm: Of course I am!

Bella: (Fake sobbing.) Oh, Victor! My darling! Who could do this to you?

Winnie: Ernest.

Gillian: (Hands De’Ath the card.)

Bella: Don’t forget Patti.

Zoe: Patti the Poltergeist.

Malcolm: Well, technically, we all did.

William: Wait. You said murder? You can’t mean this is murder!

Bella: Oh, must this take long? If Victor—or Ernest or whatever—stays dead, I’ll need a new potential husband. They’re all dressed so splendidly… clearly wealthy enough to keep me in the manner I deserve.

Zoe: Basingstoke?

Gillian: True. I became a ghost immediately after dying. Didn’t even have time to dry off.

Winnie: Unless the CCTV shows nothing, it’s unclear who did it.

(A beat.)

Zoe: Oh, shame—I wanted to watch this on YouBoo.

Malcolm: Zoe, you don’t need to watch—you’re here.

Winnie: Just a minute, Inspector. If one of us is nicked, how do you punish a ghost?

Gillian: Why me?

Winnie: Because you’re easiest to imagine not being there.

Zoe: What? No! I done nothing.

Bella: That’s just how she talks, Inspector. She don’t know no different.

De’Ath: So one or more of you is responsible for the deaths of Professor Ernest Jones and Patti the Poltergeist. I intend to find out who!

Zoe: And then what?

De’Ath: Then the guilty will face consequences.

Malcolm: Consequences! Missed that one.

Zoe: (To Gillian) What did he say?

Gillian: You’ll be nicked.

Zoe: But I didn’t do nothing!

(All groan.)

Gillian: Life? Are you sure?

Zoe: We’re already dead… haha.

Malcolm: A week in Basingstoke?

Gillian: (To audience.) We have a murder to solve. So, ladies and gentlemen, let us see if we can, between us, solve these crimes, as we open up the floor to questions from the audience.

(Audience questions – see production notes.)

Scene 2 – The Reveal

Winnie: Her real name was Sharon.

Zoe: Sharon?

Winnie: Yes, she told me while I was doing her hair before we came out tonight.

William: She didn’t have any ingredients for potions.

Bella: Oh, well surmised, Inspector! Bravo!

Malcolm: (To Gillian) So we can go?

Zoe: What? Me? No! I liked Patti. She was my friend.

Malcolm: That doesn’t sound like Zoe. She only pulls hair off if she’s going to eat their… B-R-A-I-N-S.

William: Real wine!

Winnie: What? Me? No, don’t be silly. Why would I want to kill Victor? And why would I want to kill Patti? I helped her get ready for tonight, for goodness’ sake. I helped her with her hair!

William: So that’s why you wanted me to spend time with Patti! You wanted her sneezes to use in your spells! She and Gillian are the only ones who are officially spooks!

Winnie: Yes, yes, OK. I stabbed him, but I didn’t know then he wasn’t a vampire. He accused me of shoddy spells.

Zoe: Is that near Cognito?

Bella: Yes Zoe, yes, it is. Just down the road.

Gillian: Look, Inspector – Victor, or Ernest, whoever he was, must have known the risks when he came to live with us. Anyone could have found out at any time he wasn’t a vampire. It wouldn’t have taken a genius.

William: Keeping up standards, Winnie, good girl.

Malcolm: Zoe, I’m sorry to say, the house belonged to Victor, I think we’re all going to have to move to… (braces himself) Basingstoke!

(All except De’Ath.) Nooooooo!

(Curtain.)